THE HEART OF MARRIAGE:

Proverbs chapter 4 verse 23 reads, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” As your heart is so is your life and your marriage. All too often, this principle given to us by our Creator is neglected or overlooked when it comes to growing a beautiful marriage. Many couples who find themselves struggling in marriage, has made the mistake of trying to fix the plant as they fail to understand that the plant is only the product of the soil or heart. Attempting to heal a sickly plant while neglecting the soil is fruitless not to mention frustrating.

One reason why healing a troubled marriage is often difficult is that couples attempt to change outward behavior while neglecting to change the heart that is responsible for the behavior. All of your behavior – good or ugly – comes out of your heart.

As your heart is, so will be your marriage. It was Jesus Christ who said, “Out of the abundance of the heart come all kinds of activities and behavior.” (Luke 6:45). So how do you guard your heart?

The doors into your heart include your eyes and your ears. Therefore, guarding your heart requires guarding what you see and how you hear. 

Just as a man can put poison or fertilizer into the soil of his physical garden, so a man can put poison or fertilizer into his heart. This process is done through what he allows his eyes to see and what he allows his ears to hear. Neither poison nor fertilizer can enter into a man’s heart without his permission.

You and I live in an age flooded with information, entertainment and influence. If the right information, godly advice and healthy influence are not before our eyes and entering our ears, our hearts will fail to produce a strong marriage. Your heart is as soil. It cannot produce healthy relationships without the necessary nutrients being put into your heart.

It does not matter that you and I may not be actually putting poison into the soil of our hearts. If we are not purposefully feeding our hearts the right nutrients, our hearts will be unable to produce desired fruit.

The books you read…the movies you watch…the friends you allow into your life…all either poison your heart or supply proper nutrients to your heart. Couples that are not proactive in guarding their hearts cannot expect above average results in marriage. As a whole, our society does not build strong marriages. Therefore, if you and I are not active in setting our eyes upon books and materials that build marriages, we will not be getting such nutrients any other way. If you and I are not active in hearing sound advice for strong marriages, we will not be hearing it any other way.

Your marriage is the result of how your heart is being feed. If you desire a better marriage, build a better heart. All your behavior and all your words come from your heart. Whatever your behavior is towards your spouse, your behavior is simply revealing the condition of your heart.

Because your spouse fell in love with you through your behavior, words and attitudes you displayed towards them, restoring your behavior, words and attitudes will indeed give your spouse opportunity to walk in love with you again and again. So key number two is, begin on purpose to treat your spouse as a King or Queen. Give him or her reason to walk in love with you all over again. Remember, until you change YOU, your road to restoration is a “Dead End” street.

Make it your daily goal that nobody…I mean nobody…has any chance of making your spouse FEEL more loved, cherished, valuable and beautiful as YOU do! With passion and determination, strive to compliment your spouse more than any other person could in any given day. Be creative in this. Do not just use words. Show your spouse how valuable he or she is to you. Remember, your actions do speak louder than your words. 

Don’t expect your spouse to necessarily respond to your change immediately. You may need to prove your sincerity and genuineness. Don’t be surprised even if your spouse rejects your attempt to change. Remember…please do not forget this…people do not fall in love with a SINGLE act of kindness but rather the DAILY behavior of kindness.

TWO THINGS THAT DESTROY AND TWO THINGS THAT BUILD MARRIAGES:

TWO THINGS THAT DESTROY MARITAL SUCCESS
Author Jimmy Evans says, “Every marriage has a 100% chance of success with the right information.” Is success in marriage really that simple? Yes! Assuming, of course, that the “right information” is acted upon. Marriage can be and should be the one place on earth where an atmosphere of peace, acceptance and love is always found. Heaven on earth in marriage is possible for you and your marriage.

There are two things that success in marriage builds upon and there are two things that destroy success. Every couple that desires real success in marriage must develop and maintain respect and honor towards each other…especially during times of conflict and offenses. There is no greater destroyer of happiness in marriage as dis respectfulness. Disrespect and the lack of honor towards your spouse are two things that must be avoided in marriage at all cost. So what does respect and honor look like in marriage?

• Respect and honor is never talking to your spouse as if they are stupid and dumb.
• Respect and honor is never belittling your spouse because of what they said, done or how they are behaving.
• Respect and honor in marriage never uses words such as, “I told you so,” or “You're just like your mother, or “You always do this,” or “You never…” or “If only you…” or “Why do you always…”
• Respect and honor protects and values your spouse’s opinions, feelings and emotions.
• Respect and honor in marriage relates to your spouse as if Jesus Himself was in the room listening and watching.

Respect and honor requires maturity and self-control. Where maturity and self-control are absent, even the smallest issues of offense generate floods of wrong words. Wherever a troubled marriage continues to decline, without fail you will find that immaturity and self-centeredness dominates the marriage. But even self-centered babies can grow up if they choose to. It is a choice. Respect and honor is a choice. You can be respectful and honor your spouse if you choose to. It may be a battle to conquer years of immaturity but it can be overcome. The only reason immaturity, disrespect and the lack of honor exist in marriage is by the decision to remain the same. 

Join me tomorrow as we look at two keys that build marital success.

TWO THINGS THAT BUILD MARITAL SUCCESS
Success in marriage is built upon giving grace and space towards your spouse. These two things must be developed and maintain within the marriage relationship for success to thrive. It is God’s amazing grace that causes men to turn to God with surrender and love. So it is within marriage. Extending grace and space towards your spouse causes love to bear long-lasting fruit. So what does grace and space in marriage look like?

• Grace and space allows your spouse to get mad at you without your quick defense.
• Grace and space, understands that your spouse is not perfect.
• Grace and space allows your spouse to express their feelings, emotions and frustrations while you listen with empathy.
• Grace and space seeks first to understand before it demands to be understood.
• Grace and space allows time for apologies without being cold-hearted until it comes.
• Grace and space is the first to ask for forgiveness even when it knows it is right.
• Grace and space loves unconditionally.

Often, we take advantage of God’s grace knowing that He will forgive. Often, we even abuse God’s grace. But thank God, His grace is never exhausted. If there is one person that we should in return extend such grace, it should be to our spouse. Often, we want God to treat us with grace while we treat one another with demands and intolerance. Success in marriage where true happiness flourishes must have grace and space to grow and overcome weaknesses. Pushing one into perfection never works. Forcing one to change through guilt, demands and condemnation only strengthens unwanted behavior.

Respect, honor, grace and space; these are the ingredients for success in marriage.

PREVENTING BEDROOM BOREDOM:

When last did you try new things? When last did you do something new for the first time and it excites your spouse? When last did you go for a picnic? When last did you dance together? When last did your husband come home and find you laying naked on the bed waiting for him and you whisper romantically “Honey, I have been thinking about you and how you make me feel whenever you are inside me. Nobody can satisfy me like you do”? When last did you send a romantic text to your spouse? When last did you massage or shower together and you insist to bath him/her?

The word boredom is define as, “a feeling of being bored by something tedious; tired of and slightly annoyed by a person or situation that is not interesting, exciting, or entertaining”. All human beings by nature love varieties as it is often said, “Varieties are the spices of life”. If you keep eating the same food, or doing the same thing always, it leads to boredom. Boredom is like insanity, which is defined as “repeating the same thing again and again”. To make your marriage a fun and exciting, you need to practice new things. E.g. develop new ways of kissing, hugging, petting, and practice different sex styles; use different romantic perfume, sexy dresses (only for him) and change bed position, bedroom light and music constantly. Sometime, it’s fun to change environment, it makes sex exciting and memorable.

Boredom is the mortal enemy to relationships. Failed marriages fail to keep things new and exciting. Explore, think, look around and discover that you are far from exhausting the adventure of this awesome world we live in. Don’t live in small corner of the world complaining about your spouse “not in the mood”. Get out and do things new. Do the old things in a new way or in a new place. If you wait until you are “feeling” spontaneous or “in the mood” to be romantic, you may end up waiting a long time. Never stop the ongoing activity of romancing each other. Leave “love notes” around the bedroom where it will be easily found. From time to time have a candlelight dinner at home. Keep the surprises coming – the flowers, small gifts and new sexy lingerie. Hey, to have an exciting marriage, you have to stay exciting! Need I explain? Just stay fun and fresh.

OVERCOMING BEDROOM BOREDOM WITH GOOD SMELL
Honestly, there are people like me who can not stand bad body odour or the aroma of some local perfumes. Good smell enhances and stimulate sexual desire, while bad smell kills it. King Solomon said, “Ointment and perfume delight the heart…” Prov. 27 v 9. The function of ointment is to make the body fresh and smooth. Applying ointment delight the heart of your spouse as he or she behold and touch it. When you use local soap and rub local oil on your body, it cause sweats and make you smell bad.

The second thing that Solomon encouraged us to use was perfume. There are so many men if they remove their socks or pant, you better run. While some men, just the smell of their armpits kills their wives sexual response. Likewise, so many men are complaining about the smelling vagina, smelling hair on her head or body odour of their wives. 

When you take care of your body, apply ointment and perfume, it will delight the heart of your spouse.

The adulterous woman in Proverb 7: 17-18 understood the power of perfume and she used it in her bedroom to seduce a young man. She said, “I have perfumed my BED with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; let us delight ourselves with love”.

Let’s read the same verse in The Message Bible. It said, “I've spread fresh, clean sheets on my bed, colorful imported linens”. 17 My bed is aromatic with spices and exotic fragrances. 18 Come, let's make love all night, spend the night in ecstatic lovemaking! Prov 7:16-18

She had used every means to excite the passions she wished to bring into action. Building his ego up by flattery, she then sought to lure him by describing the sensuous nature of her bedroom. The linens on the bed were imported from Egypt and she had perfumed her bed with three spices: myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. These were spices that increases libido. But the problem with her was that she only did it to a stranger when her husband was not at home. This is what every couple should do, making the bedroom conducive for erotic romance.

King Solomon knew the captivating power of perfume and therefore used it to attract his wives. Whenever Solomon was passing by, the daughters of Zion became stimulated through the scent emitting from his raiment that saturated the atmosphere with love. The scripture says they lifted up their faces with great delight when they saw Solomon “coming from the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the merchant’s fragrant powders?” S/S. 3 v 6. 

Have you been taking care of your body? Do you smell good or bad before bed time? Have you ever ask your spouse if bad smell tune them off? Bad smell kills sexual desire in most people. It might be because of bad smell that is why your wife or husband is not always in the mood for sex. So take good care of your body.

HOW TO BEAT BEDROOM BOREDOM
Let's face it, it can get very tedious and boring experiencing the same thing on the same bed for decade. 

With years of experience as a Biblical Sex Expert, I can tell you that bedroom boredom strikes nearly every couple at some point in the relationship. We get bogged down by work, kids, and chores and have little energy left at the end of the day to devote to our sex life. It takes effort to keep the sparks going – plus a little creativity. Here are 3 tips to help you make your Bedroom experience exciting again:

1. Put the kids to bed, lock the bedroom door. Explore what interests each of you – you might be surprised! If you’ve never talked openly about what turns you on this is a great way to get the conversation started. 

2.If the bedroom has gotten boring, why not change things up? Try having sex in the backyard or the laundry room – or in the bathroom! Almost all couples get stuck in a rut, and end up doing the same thing over and over. Chances are your partner is as bored as you are and will jump at the suggestion of something new. Even just changing your routine a little bit can make a big difference.

3.Take the initiative to change things. Instead of wishing your partner would be more exciting, you be the one to buy a new book on lovemaking. (Try and get my upcoming eBook "The Perfumed Garden"). Surprise your partner with a massage, a suggestive text message – anything that will get the wheels turning in a new direction. And don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you’re trying to amp things up. It is always sexy when one person takes charge!

Bedroom boredom is a common complaint, but it’s not something you have to resign yourself to. Every couple deserves an exciting, satisfying sex life. You’ll have better intimacy and a closer connection if you take the time to improve your sexual relationship. Try these tips, and let us know if one of them has worked for you! Be the change you want to see in your bedroom! Join me tomorrow for the concluding part with Bible references.

 

THE MURMURING SPOUSE:

With a bold voice she said, “Prophet Jabari, I don’t murmur, I simply speak the true facts about my husband.” I often get this type of response after speaking on the subject of murmuring within marriage. For many murmuring is defined as speaking lies about someone or a circumstance. Therefore, as long as you are speaking facts and the truth, you are not murmuring. So what is murmuring? In the context of the Bible, murmuring is speaking about someone or some circumstance with unbelief that God has or is working it all out. 

In the book of Numbers, chapter fifteen and sixteen, the people of Israel were in the wilderness without any water and food. So the people began to cry out to Moses about having no water and food. It was a fact that they had no water or food. It was the truth that they had no water or food. The circumstance was real. But in this story, we find that God called their crying out to Moses as, “murmuring.” But wait. They spoke the truth. They spoke the facts. So what is murmuring? 

Anytime we speak as if God is not in control; any time we speak as if God is not helping us; anytime we speak as if God has not heard and answered or is answering our prayer, it is called murmuring. It is impossible to be in real faith and yet murmur at the same time. In other words, if I believe that God is changing and healing my marriage and working all things out for my good, I will not and cannot murmur about whatever is happening at the present time within my marriage. I cannot be in faith toward God and yet be murmuring at the same time. 

Murmuring is speaking about someone or some circumstance where the heart has no faith that is God is working it all out according to His miracle power. Where there is no faith, there will be complaining and murmuring. It is not uncommon to hear a wife or husband say, “I have been praying but my marriage is getting no better.” The very words reveal no faith that God is at work. Therefore, the words become murmuring. 

Murmuring then serves as a gauge or a meter that measures unbelief. The more we murmur, the greater the unbelief. So what do we do if we find ourselves murmuring about what we want God to change?

First, we need to repent of our murmuring and our unbelief. We must always remember that God cannot change what we murmur about because without faith it is impossible to please God (Heb. 11:6). 

Second, we need to set our hearts on God’s love and mercy and that He is for us and our marriage and desires to heal and change whatever needs to be healed and changed. 

Thirdly, we need to release our faith with our confession that God is at work and that God is hearing and answering our prayers. 

We must set a watch over our mouths and our hearts that we never fall into the trap of murmuring about that which we need God’s help in.

TOP REASON COUPLES GROW APART:

The average couple can spend as little as one hour total alone per week. The average couple with kids sometimes none. The average two people having an affair spend at least 15 hours per week together. Think about that. Those two people somehow manage to find 15 hours alone in spite of all of their other commitments.

Remember when you and your spouse were first together and you couldn’t get enough of each other. You spent hours talking and laughing, learning about each other, what you cared about, what your dreams were, what your fears were. What most people don’t realize is those things in our lives continue to change over time and if we’re not checking in and spending time alone, we are by definition growing separately and potentially growing apart. One study revealed that 70% of married men have emotionally grown apart from their wife. This happens whenever a man fails to spend time alone every week with his wife.

Professional marriage counselors suggest spending 8 to 15 hours a week alone with each other as a married couple. That may seem impossible, but consider the cost of growing apart. Consider the price of loneliness. The price a couple will pay growing apart from each other is far more than the price to connect 8 to 15 hours together. Don’t say we do not have the time. Everyone has the same amount of time. It’s all about priorities.

All too often couples find themselves in marriage counseling with no major issues to fuss about except that they have just grown apart. If you don’t continue to connect throughout your life, you run the risk of being married to a stranger. And, how can you work on communication, how can you work on affection or money issues if you never have the opportunity through one to one connection with each other. Unless you have time alone to talk to each other, be affectionate with one other and enjoy each other, marriage can be difficult in a variety of ways. The relationship between the couples is the foundation of the marriage and family. If married couples don’t have a relationship, everything else suffers. There’s no way to have a relationship without spending time together alone.

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is a partnership that takes teamwork. Some men fail in their partnership because they don't make an emotional connection with their wives. Veronica, who attended one of my “Marriage On The Rock Seminar, writes, "My husband does nothing to help me around the house. I am just plain tired. I do all the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, everything after working all day ... oh, we'll stay married, but I just know we could be happier."

Did you know that when you participate in family life by sharing in some of the daily duties, you connect with your wife on an emotional level? Men spell romance s-e-x, but women spell romance r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p. Working together around the house or in the yard is a great way to communicate your love for your wife. 

Another way to connect emotionally is to compliment your wife. Proverbs offers this pointer: "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones" (16:24). How often do you praise your wife for what she does? Consider a few of these compliments to brighten her day: 

• "Dinner was great! Thank you for always making creative meals, even when you're tired of cooking."
• "I love the way you read books to our kids. That's so much better for them than watching TV."
• "I'm grateful that you carefully budget our paycheck each month."
• "I admire the way you handled yourself with that rude salesman—you have such a winsome approach."
• "The flowers you planted make our home so much more inviting. I appreciate your hard work." 

As you work to make an emotional connection with your words and actions, go below the surface to the real issues of life. How? Start to talk with her. For some, this involves a conscious choice. Share with her, for example, what goes on at work—what you're doing well, where you're struggling, the people you're working with, the people you encounter. Most women love hearing all of the details. You'll also discover that she can provide wise counsel on different issues you're facing. 

Finally ask your wife questions about what she is feeling, and then listen to her.

PASTOR, MY MARRIAGE IS FALLING APART:

There are so many women calling me from different parts of the world and crying “Help me, my marriage is falling apart”. And here is my respond - Don’t worry because this happens to everyone. 

You see, we spend a lot of time and energy finding our perfect mates. By the time we say “I do,” we assume (and fervently hope) that the work is over. The idea of having to spend time working on your marriage may seem strange or even depressing, but it’s worth it! Even if it feels like your whole marriage needs an overhaul, deepening your relationship doesn’t have to be a gruelling process. With the right tools, the suffering can end.

One of the best ways to help your marriage is to ensure you’re thinking about it the right way.

Most people believe that if you’re having problems in your marriage, you’re with the wrong person. So, when conflict gets heated, they wonder if it’s time to bail … and it’s not! Rather, if you’re willing to work with the conflict, there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for you right around the corner. The key is learning how to work with conflict creatively – in ways that help both you and your partner grow. Plus, just changing your perspective so that you view conflict as an opportunity, an indicator that it’s time to grow, can help ease the troubles you ‘re having.

Sometimes we’re so busy working on our relationships that we actually forget to enjoy them. And what’s the point of doing all of that work if you’re not having fun with your partner? Using humour and joy is critical to a couple’s happiness together.

Why are we so inclined to focus on what’s bad instead of what’s good? Every relationship contains at least some negativity, and the amount of negativity in a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of trouble it’s in. Negativity includes any/all words, tone of voice, facial expressions and/or behavior your partner says feels negative to him/her. And yes, rolling your eyes counts.

You see, negativity is like rat poison; nothing can grow in it! So, if you want your relationship to grow, you’ve got to get rid of all negativity. Yes, all of it. These truths can help you become better partners for each other, and to create a marriage full of real, lasting love and a blissful connection.

Ninety percent of the upset you feel with your partner comes from your past. It’s true! So, stop blaming your partner. We know that it’s hard to do — especially when you feel miserable and it seems as though the source of your misery is, well, that annoying person you’re married to. So, the next time you feel your blood boiling, remind yourself: This feeling has more to do with my past than my partner!

THE TAKER VERSUS THE GIVER
Like a lazy tennis player constantly blaming his racket instead of his lack of practice, we blame our partner rather than our failure to keep practising selfless love until we finally master the art. We haven’t begun to live until discovering that it is more blessed to give than to receive, more blessed to serve than to be served; more blessed to love than be loved.

We were made to be lovers. Lovers are givers not takers. Takers eventually end up supposing they need to change partners. They are parasites who take all they can and then have to move to another victim. They are an empty space sucking the life out of everything around them. The sole value that takers have is that they still have the potential to be transformed into givers; if they let God have His beautiful way in their lives.

Givers are people of honour. They are godlike, because God alone keeps giving and giving, and never run dry.

Takers are stagnant water. Sentenced to getting only what is natural, they can only grasp after things that is limited and dying. In glorious contrast, givers are living rivers.

HE IS WAITING AT THE WELL:

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In the culture and customs of the Bible, young men who wished to marry would often go to the wells where young women were accustomed to coming and drawing water. It was a meeting place where young women went hoping to draw more than just water, and where many a bridegroom went to find his bride.

Abraham’s servant was sent to a well to find a wife for his master’s son Isaac. It was while coming to draw water from the well that Rebekah met Abraham’s servant. “Behold, I stand here by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. … And it happened, before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, came out with her pitcher on her shoulder” (Genesis 24:13–16). 

The well speaks of Salvation. In Isa 12:3, it said, "Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation". The word SALVATION is from the Hebrew "Yeshua", which is the name for Jesus our Saviour. Men who are qualify to get good wives are those who STAND BY THE WELL OF YESHUA.

In Gen 24:11-12, the servant made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at EVENING TIME, the time when women go out to draw water. We are now in the prophetic evening time. Everything is getting dark and only the LIGHT of Christ will illuminate our minds to discover our life partners at the well. Zechariah 14:7c-8a said, "….at evening time there will be light. 8 And in that day living waters will flow out of Jerusalem". There is a living water flowing out of Jerusalem, how many women are coming to the well and draw the water of Salvation? These are the type of women who are qualify to get good husbands.

Ladies, where are you searching for him? The good husband is a man who goes to Beerlahairoi to meditate in the evening time. He is not going to party or beer parlour, but to Beerlahairoi. The word Beerlahairoi means "The well of him (Yeshua) that sees me". He is waiting for the right woman at the well of Yeshua. He is like Isaac - Gen 24:62-65 - "Now Isaac had come from going to Beer-lahai-roi; for he was living in the Negev. 63 Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening; and he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, camels were coming. 64 Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac she dismounted from the camel. 65 She said to the servant, "Who is that man walking in the field to meet us?" And the servant said, "He is my master." Then she took her veil and covered herself". 

Isaac was not out of God’s presence, but he was meditating in the evening time while waiting for a wife. He was at the place of prayer, drawing water of revelation from the fountain of life.

Rebeccah was not at a party, sleeping with men or in the house of a boyfriend, but a decent lady, helping her parents and going to the well of Salvation in the evening time.

Ladies, where are you now in this evening time? Its getting dark and only through the light of Christ you can see the man of your dream.

It was also at a well that Jacob met Rachel. “‘Water the sheep and go feed them.’ But they said, ‘We cannot until all the flocks are gathered together, and they have rolled the stone from the well’s mouth; then we water the sheep.’ Now while he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherdess” (Genesis 29:7–9). Moses, too, met his wife at a well when the daughters of Jethro came to water their flock at a well. “Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters. And they came and drew water … but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. … and he gave Zipporah his daughter to Moses” (Exodus 2:16–21). Rebekah, Rachel, and Zipporah, all met with good husbands; Isaac, Jacob, and Moses, as a result of coming to the wells for water.

You are next. Get the audio and your life will never remain the same. Before the end of this year, some of you will get married while some of you will discover your life partners.