HOPE FOR WOMEN IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE:

She got married few years ago and the abuse she is experiencing from her husband has become unbearable. She had two miscarriages as a result of his beaten. He also stop her from working so that he will control the family finance. Both of them are like strangers living in the same room. So, she asked me,"Pastor Jabari, should I divorce him or what will I do? My parent and friends have talked to him but still there is no change. My church said, I must submit to him no matter the abuse. Things are getting worse and I am afraid, he might kill me someday".

Well, I must say when I read several of such messages in my inbox, my heart broke for the ungodly counsel that some wives are receiving from the Church! Abuse is so contrary to Scripture and here’s why. The Gospel message is a message of love. Jesus Christ IS love. He embodies it. It’s who He is. Therefore, when a church does not frown upon abuse in marriage, then they don’t understand the love of Christ. They don’t understand what a biblical marriage looks like and they don’t realize how what they are advocating is bringing shame upon the love that Christ has for His children. And yes, God who hates divorce said in the same verse that He hates a husband covering himself with violence (abuse).

"I HATE divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I HATE a man's covering himself with VIOLENCE as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. Mal. 2: 15. 

If God would advocate abuse in marriage, then why on earth would a woman want to get married and subject herself to such nonsense? The logic here doesn’t add up. And let’s not forget that God is not the author of confusion. "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace". 1 Cor. 14:33. God can not endorse and embrace abuse in marriage because it contradicts His character. And since marriage is designed to represent Christ, the teachings of such churches embracing abuse is heretical and it is blasphemous to the Word of God. 

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” John 13:34

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.” John 15:9
“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” John 15:12

“These things I command you, that you love one another.” John 15:17

Based on these verses, the case could be argued that a husband who beats his wife, rape or deny her sex is not a believer. It’s already been established that God is a God of love and therefore He doesn’t approve of abuse! So let’s get that straight right now!

God has never given the husband the right to force his wife to do anything. 

Yes, our bodies belong to our spouse but that doesn’t mean they can violate us. Here what the Bible says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ". Ephesians 5:21 And in 1 Cor. 7:3, Paul said, "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband". There’s absolutely NO affection given to the wife when she is being abuse or denied sexual intercourse.

A wife does not have to stay in an abusive marriage, nor should she! She can get out and separate from her husband. This does not mean she is divorcing him. It merely means she is establishing boundaries and protecting herself and/or her children. The abusive husband needs to be held accountable and he needs to get help. If he truly has a repentant heart, then the couple could seek reconciliation. If the husband is unrepentant then he’ll most likely seek to satisfy his lusts by being unfaithful to his wife while they are separated. And if he is unfaithful, the wife is no longer bound to him and she could then seek a divorce without being outside of the will of God.

LET GO, IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS UNHEALTHY:

“There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.” ~ Karl Marx

I have been in a toxic relationship for a year and I know how challenging it may be to find the courage and strength to tell yourself: “I’ve had enough. There has to be a better way. I deserve better than this. We both do” and to finally let go of someone you once loved, and maybe still do.

Holding on to toxic relationships keeps you from growing. Don’t get me wrong, I love challenges and I have this incredible ability to turn every experience, whether good or bad, into a valuable life lesson, but this doesn’t mean that I should make my life harder by clinging on to toxic relationships and drama. I believe that things should flow and they should be easy, and when they aren’t, that means something is wrong.

After being in an unhealthy relationship, I have learned that if a relationship is hard, if it’s stressful, and if it takes a lot of energy and effort to try to make it work, you have to let it go, for the sake of both parties.

I came to the conclusion that if a relationships doesn’t make you a better person, if it doesn’t challenge you to grow and evolve into a happier and more loving human being, it is not worth holding on to. If a relationship makes you bitter, but not better, then you are in the wrong one. Robert Tew said, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.” 

You let go of a toxic and unhealthy relationship not because you are weak, not because you no longer love the other person, but because you are strong enough to understand that there are times when two people will be a lot happier if they go separate ways than if they stay together. There comes a time in our lives when we have to do what’s right and to honor not only ourselves, but also the people around us.

Don’t make the same mistake I have made. Don’t cling on to unnecessary pain. If it hurts and is a constant struggle… If it’s hard and makes you unhappy, then you need to just let go. Life is too short to be anything but happy. One of the simplest ways to stay happy is to just let go of the things that makes you sad.
There is something so beautiful, so powerful and so unique in each and every one of us and the more we cling on to toxic relationships, the harder it will be for us to tap into our own greatness. Detach, let go and learn to love yourself for who you are and not for who others want you to be.

Remember, it’s the relationship that you are letting go of but not the love you have for the other person. I still care about my ex girlfriend and I know that I will love her for as long as I live, but that doesn’t mean that we should be together. We tried, it didn’t work and we had to let it go, and I hope you will find the strength and courage to do the same.

 

Way too many people cling on to toxic and unhealthy relationships just because they think that without the other person they will be nothing and their life will be worthless. Total nonsense! I used to think that way as well. I used to believe that if me and my girlfriend broke up, my life would be worthless and that nothing would make sense anymore, but guess what? Ever since I managed to let go, my life became more meaningful than ever and you know why? Because I have learned to love and appreciate myself and to stop looking for my “salvation” somewhere out there, in other people. Believe me when I say that who you are is more than enough and that you don’t need another person to complete you, but to help you see how beautiful you already are and how much you have to offer.

WHY DO PEOPLE LIE IN RELATIONSHIP? WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS?

She came to me crying, "Pastor Jabari, I was living under a lie for two years until this morning that the secret spilled out. My husband pregnant a lady before dating me and she is carrying a baby for him. He never told me about it until this morning that the lady came to demand cash for their baby's up-keeping. Why did he lie to me?". I believe, this has been the cry of many in relationships.

In each instance there were three common denominators: fear, arrogance, and selfishness. Fear says, I will lie because I'm afraid of the consequence of telling the truth. A lie is a cowardly way of dealing with, or not dealing with an issue. Lying because you're afraid of a presumed consequence is foolish because the repercussion of a lie is worse than the consequence you thought you were avoiding. Arrogance says, I will lie because I should not have to deal with the consequence of telling the truth. When a husband lies to his wife he is in effect saying that she is not worthy of being told the truth. Selfishness says, I will lie because the consequence of telling the truth may get in the way of what I want to do. Lying to your spouse is a blatant disregard of God's mandate to put the needs and interests of your partner above your own.

When you lie to your partner you loses three things: trust, security and respect. Trust is built on truth. When a you consistently does the good and right things that you says you will do, you will gain or regain your spouse trust. Speaking the truth is one of the most loving things we can do in marriage or relationship. When a man lies, his word loses weight and the weight of a man's word anchors his integrity. When a husband lies, his wife is no longer sure that his yes means yes and his no means no. Now she questions what he says. His lie has sown seeds of doubt in the marriage and the fruit of doubt is distrust. God requires the wife to forgive her husband for lying to her, but God does not require her to trust him. Trust is earned, and it is earned by a consistent commitment to being truthful over time.

A husband is supposed to be the loving leader of his wife, but when a husband lies to his wife he is misleading her making it difficult for her to follow his leadership. She no longer feels safe because the one who has been set in place for her protection has caused her to feel vulnerable and made a fool of. The husband will reap the fear he has sown through the insecurity his lie has cultivated within his wife.

I believe that every husband wants to be his wife's hero. He wants to stand tall in her eyes; he wants her respect. But if through a lie he has shown her no consideration, it will be difficult for her to show him consideration. If through a lie he has not esteemed her, it will be difficult for her to esteem him. A lie is one of the most disrespectful things a husband can do to his wife, and as he robs her of respect by lying to her, he will rob himself of her respect.

 

In conclusion, we do reap what we sow. When a husband lies he sows distrust, disrespect, and insecurity into his marriage, and he will surely reap it. When a husband lies to his wife he is acting treacherously towards her. God says when a husband acts treacherously towards his wife, He won't regard that husband or readily accept anything from him. If God won't, it's likely the wife won't either. Husbands, if you want your wife to trust you, don't lie to her. If you want your wife to follow you, don't mislead her. If you want your wife to respect you, honor her enough to tell her the truth. It is a big deal.