BALANCING WORK AND MARRIAGE

“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones”. (Psalm 127:2, NLT).

The man or the wife rise up early to go to work and come home late evening. Gradually, the bonding between spouse and children start losing its grip.

Balancing career and family is one of the greatest challenges facing newly married couples. Just when you thought marriage was going to simplify your life, you start to realize that there are decisions ahead, such as:

Whose career takes priority?

Will both of us continue to work outside the home once we have children?

Is it fair for me to be stuck in a dead-end job in order to put you through school?

Will the spouse with the higher income have more say in how our money is spent?

If you WORK and I WORK, who does the HOUSEWORK?

For some people, dedicating themselves entirely to their career may seem like the right thing to do, but others close to them may see it as a problem. Leaving work at the office is more difficult than it seems when we can work virtually anywhere and anyone can reach us at any time. Setting boundaries between work and pleasure can be difficult, but working too much can have an impact on your marriage.

What Is a Workaholic?

A workaholic is someone who works compulsively at the cost of sleep and spending time with loved ones.

The book of Psalms 127:2 (NLT) says, "It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest (other translations use "good sleep") to his loved ones".

Working too much will affects your marriage negatively.

Spouses of workaholics can feel estranged and disconnected from their partners. The spouse who has become well aware of coming in second in a list of priorities begins to lose confidence in her own desirability. A power struggle can ensue in the relationship as the workaholic becomes more autonomous. A workaholic could potentially experience angry outbursts over little incidences as a result of their guilt for working too much, and these outbursts take a toll on a marriage and a family. Additionally, a partner who expresses their feelings about their spouse working too much could be met with hostility and anger. Finally, workaholics could begin to expect a spouse to cater to their needs, as they are the ones busy and working all the time. As their entitlement grows, discord in the marriage could result.

This climate of financial uncertainty has forced some people to maximize their earning opportunities and sacrifice quality time that could be spent with their partner and loved ones.

Understandably, this type of situation may be unavoidable as people seek to secure their families’ homes and futures. However, it is one of many situations where a disproportionate amount of time and focus on work can lead to breakdowns in communication, sexual intimacy and tension between couples.

In some instances, individuals can be so focused on career advancement and or money that it affects the quality of their personal relationships and consequently happiness.

So, how can you balance career and marriage?

Signs You Might Be a Workaholic

It's important to understand that being a hard worker is not the same thing as a workaholic. A hard worker can still have a balanced life, leave work at the office, and be emotionally present and engaged when home or away from work. If you have several of the following traits, take a critical look at your relationship with your career:

- Work is your number one priority.

- You miss out on life events for work.

- You are financially stable, yet work excessively anyway.

- Your family complains that you work too much.

- You try to find ways to make more time for work.

- Being unable to work seriously stresses you out.

- Missing work due to illness or injury puts you in a panic.

- Hobbies and leisure are sacrificed due to work.

- The amount you work has impacted your health.

- You find a way to work even if sick or injured.

- You rarely take vacations, and if you do, you still work while out of office.

- You always bring work home with you.

- You find it hard to be "in the moment" because you are thinking about work.

HOW A COUPLE BALANCE CAREER AND MARRIAGE

Here is the story of a couple who balanced career and marriage to save their relationship:

Doug and Laura both had jobs that were important to them. Until now, they had managed to put enough time and energy into their relationship to have a great marriage. But recently, Laura was becoming more and more engrossed in her work. She was very excited about the new project she was working on. She worked 12-hour days, brought work home with her, and worked most weekends. All she could talk about were her ideas on the project and where her career was heading. Laura was totally consumed by her work.

Doug was beginning to feel left out and resentful. In general, he was very supportive of Laura and proud of her accomplishments. But lately she had no energy left for him. Every time they went out, she talked about her work. She never asked him how he was doing and never seemed to think about their relationship anymore. She even stopped doing small, nice things for her husband.

Her commitment was exclusively to her job. Laura was married to her work and was putting her marriage to Doug in serious jeopardy.

When Doug brought up the issue about her work, Laura would always say, “Don't you care about my career? It's so important to me, and I thought it was important to you, too.” Doug really felt like he was being taken for granted. After a particularly bad argument about their situation, Doug blurted out, “Don't assume I'll always be there for you. You haven't exactly been there for me lately!”

Laura was shocked. She had been working so hard and had made the false assumption that her marriage would survive the stress with no extra effort from her. Doug and Laura had a very serious talk about how Laura could invest a lot of time in her work and still have time for Doug. What was most important to Doug was that Laura really put work out of her mind when she was with him and focus solely on him and their relationship.

Laura needed to manage her time at work more efficiently. She realized she could save an hour a day, five hours a week, by making business calls while driving to work. And she changed half of her dinner meetings to breakfast meetings.

By making all of these changes, she had more time to invest in her relationship. Laura was much happier and so was Doug. They really improved their marriage once Laura learned she needed to put time and effort into the relationship, even when she was busy at work.

THE CONCLUSION OF YOUR MARRIAGE JOURNEY

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14, "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil".

A boy just attended his first wedding, and his friend asked him how many times a person can get married.

“Sixteen times,” said the boy. “I heard it with my own ears: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, and 4 poorer. 4+4+4+4=16”.

“Wow,” said his friend. “We better get married soon if we are supposed to get married that many times.”

If you don’t understand what is happening around you, it leads you to wrong conclusions.

What is conclusion?

A conclusion is the last part of something, its end or result. When you write a paper, you always end by summing up your arguments and drawing a conclusion about what you've been writing about.

Your life is like a book. Every book has a conclusion. All the secrets things, good or evil will not be fully comprehended until you read the conclusion.

Reading through the entire book of Ecclesiastes, you might think the often-repeated phrase “All is vanity” is the conclusion. Life in this physical world is often unfair, pointless and like grasping for the wind.

But Solomon does not end the book on that discouraging note. He puts human life in the proper perspective—in God’s perspective.

When we assess the world around us, and when we try to make sense of that which is taking place, and as we seek to live our lives in this world in wisdom and understanding, it is critical that we have the right perspective on things like job, marriage and business. Without the correct perspective and understanding of our purpose of existence, we are led to a sense of hopelessness and despair at the end. Solomon says, "Hear the conclusion of the matter, fear God, and keep his commandments: for that's the whole duty of man”.

Do you have the fear of God in your love life? Do you as a couple keep the commandments of God? Do you ever come to any conclusions about any matters? Do you ever come to any conclusion about things that matter? I mean, do you ever come to any meaningful conclusions about anything that really matters? This is your whole duty. I encourage you to set your perspective right. It’s not how you start the journey that matters, but how you finish. Will you finish well?

Some will say at the end of their journey like Solomon, “all is vanity” because they have wasted their lives without the fear of God and the keeping of His commandment. While others will say with David and Paul:

Acts 13:36 “For David, after he had served his own generation by the will of God, fell on sleep, and was laid unto his fathers, and saw corruption”

2 Tim. 4: 7-8 “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: 8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing”.

When I look out at you from my perspective, I honestly have to ask you this series of questions because I know some of you sitting here have never come to an appropriate conclusion about the matters of relationship and marriage. Do you fear God and keep His commandment of love?

DOWRY AND BRIDE PRICE

A Sister asked me to talk about the issue of high bride price in Africa. “Is bride price and dowry Biblical? Most a man pay dowry?”

And here is my response:

Let's begin by understanding the difference between a dowry and bride price. Bride price and dowry are terms that refer to payments made at the time of marriage in many cultures, primarily in Asia and Africa. Bride price is typically paid by the groom or the groom's family to the bride's family. Dowry is typically paid by the bride's family to the bride or to the wedded couple. Some cultures may practice both dowry and bride price simultaneously.

In the law of Moses, bride price was not a condition for marriage but only as a penalty for rape. Exodus 22:16-17: "If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife". They paid dowry to the groom and not a bride price to the bride's family.

BIBLICAL FACTS ON BRIDE PRICE

For many Africans, the tradition of the bride price payment became a subject of serious controversy. If God specifically gave this law as a condition for marriage, or is it a man-made tradition? Time to find out the truth!

1. Bride price is not a condition for marriage but only as a penalty for rape.

Exodus 22:16-17: "If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins."

Deuteronomy 22:28-29: "If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives."

You can still pay the bride price and still be denied the woman to be your wife by her father.

At the same time, if the man has never slept with the woman, there should be no need to pay money for her.

2. There was never ever a place in the Bible where God commanded the bride's parent to present a price. It is the groom's responsibility to bring whatever for the lady he wants to marry.

For example, in the Bible was Isaac's marriage to Rebekah. There was no monetary exchange or penalty between the two families. Affordable gifts were given to Rebekah’s family by Abraham (but not demanded by Rebekah’s family). Read Genesis 24:52-54.

3. Bride price, according to the Bible, is all about virgins.

Genesis 24:15-16: "Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again."

However, this practice has now been more ‘commercialized’ in modern times, with some families demanding payment of huge amounts which often leave the husband in debt. Some prospective husbands are also postponing enjoying the blessings of marriage because they do not have the means to pay. The practice is also leading to some couples choosing to elope or stay in non-solemnized unions. In recent years, the Kenyan government has also recognized the dangers that dowry payments have on societies. While not criminalizing the practice, Kenyan law provides other opportunities to have legal marriages without the obligation to pay dowries.

SHOULD CHRISTIANS PAY BRIDE PRICE OR NOT?

In some families, even after a certain sum is paid, other payments and gifts can be demanded.

Such practices can encourage greed for money. Yet, the Bible says: “The love of money is a root of all sorts of injurious things.” (1 Timothy 6:10) Because of greed, people can become extortioners, and this brings God’s disfavor. The Bible tells us that no “greedy person​—which means being an idolater—​has any inheritance in the kingdom of the Christ and of God.”​—Ephesians 5:5; compare Proverbs 20:21; 1 Corinthians 5:11; 6:10.

Yet, there is nothing improper in giving a bride-price to the father as a token compensation for the loss of a daughter he reared and educated. A prospective son-in-law could properly view this payment as a symbol of his appreciation for the training given his fiancée. However, some parents try to recover all that they spent, feeling that their married daughters will not help in educating the younger children. Such parents look for the highest bride-price possible, as if their daughters were mere commodities for sale. But they owe their children a good upbringing. Their pride should be in fulfilling this obligation, not in seeing how much they can get back in terms of money or prestige through an exorbitant bride-price. Instead of leading parents to think of material advantages that children can bring, the Bible says: “Children ought not to lay up for their parents, but the parents for their children.”​—2 Corinthians 12:14.

4. Payment of monetary bride price is a tradition and not a direct commandment from God.

In some countries like India, a woman actually pays a dowry for the groom and not the other way round.

Presenting list or asking for monetary bride price is man made a rule.

Dowry and Bride Price are cultural, not Biblical. Therefore, obey the culture of it will not contradict God's Word.

SHOULD WE PAY OR NOT PAY BRIDE PRICE?

Dowry payment is a cultural practice of many communities in Africa. In most of the communities, men are required to pay a token to the bride’s family before marriage. This is more so because most African communities are patriarchal in nature.

In the early days, dowry or ‘mahari’ as this is known in East Africa, was often paid in form of goats, cattle, alcohol and even honey. Some communities required the payment be done a few days before marriage while other payments may take years before or even after the marriage has been solemnized.