PASTOR, MY HUSBAND IS WORKAHOLIC

A heartbroken wife wrote to us:

"Rev. Jabari, What can I do about my husband's tendency to put business ahead of family life and everything else? I don't usually care for labels, but I think it would be fair to call him a "workaholic." He works constantly and spends very little time with me and our sons. When I approach him about it, he simply says, "Things will be better soon." Do you have any suggestions?

My response:

Your concerns are legitimate, but comments that may be perceived as “complaining” are not an effective way of dealing with them. Before doing anything else, you need to make an effort to get inside your husband’s mind. If you can grasp his motivation and understand what makes him tick, you’ll be in a much better position to help him see things from your point of view. Then you can work together to find a solution to your problem.

MEN, WORK AND FAMILY

God has wired men to provide for their wives and children. That’s a good thing, but because we’re imperfect human beings living in a fallen world, that natural, God-given desire can sometimes become distorted. One result is that some men are led to define their identity and personal worth in terms of what they do for a living rather than in terms of who they are and how they are related to God, their families, and other people. They become so focused on their role as provider that they end up neglecting the emotional and relational needs of their wives and kids. Far too many dads in our society fit this description: they are workaholics who are disconnected from the needs and feelings of the people they love.

The Bible tells us clearly how believers are supposed to order their lives: God first, spouse second, children third, and then our work, education, hobbies, etc. At some point your husband is going to have to wake up to reality and make some serious changes. If he’s working sixty hours a week or spending a majority of his time out of town on business trips, your kids are going to suffer. Young children desperately need both quality and quantity time with their fathers.

You can play a key role in helping him make the necessary changes to his value system. You can provide him with the love, support, and encouragement he needs in order to feel good about himself not only as a provider but as a husband, a father, and a person. But you won’t be able to do it by nagging and complaining. None of us responds well to demands. If your husband feels criticized or attacked, he may simply withdraw and spend even more time at work.