The Importance of Romance

Reunited: Marriage In A Million (Harlequin Romance)
Before two people get married, they generally spend much time together. They may go to great lengths to plan special occasions. As they court one another, the two sense the romance that is enveloping them. Romance is an intoxicating feeling that is so delightful but difficult to explain.


Proverbs 30:18-19 says of romance: "There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden" (NIV).


The flush of romance is so powerful that it often acts as a force driving couples to marriage. Once a couple is married, however, it seems that romance fades. Husbands and wives spend less and less time thinking about what they can do to please each other.


It is common for a husband or wife to become selfish-thinking only about his or her needs and how the other isn't meeting expectations. When a "what's-in-it-for-me?" attitude becomes predominant, relationships flounder. Husbands find themselves wondering why women are so hard to understand, and wives want to know why their husbands don't pay more attention to them. Such marriages are in need of renewed romance.


In Proverbs 5:18-19 we find this directive: "Let your fountain [marital relationship] be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love" (New Revised Standard Version). To be intoxicated or "enraptured" (New King James Version) by a marriage partner's love is something God wants us to enjoy throughout our marriages.


When romance begins to fade, some couples find it hard to retain the close feelings they previously had for each other. But rekindling romance is not that difficult when we understand what to do and commit ourselves to the task. In fact, men and women respond easily to romantic overtures from their spouses when a knowledgeable mate goes about trying to restore romance to a relationship. So what are the keys to keeping romance alive in a marriage?

One of the first keys is to give ourselves to our mate. In a world in which it is so easy to be selfish, consumed with our personal expectations, we must do the opposite. Romance In Marriage

We must first give in order to receive. When we apply the principles of love and respect as found in Ephesians 5:33, our husband or wife will be strongly influenced to love and respect us in return. Illustrating this principle to husbands, Paul wrote: "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself" (Ephesians 5:28).


When a husband treats his wife and family in a loving and kind way, putting their needs and wishes ahead of his own, a wife is strongly influenced to respond with affection and physical intimacy.


Similarly, when a wife respects her husband, freely extends love and intimacy, and praises him for the good things he does, he practically becomes putty in her hands. He becomes much more receptive to what this beautiful creature, his wife who makes him so very happy, has to say. Selfishness, on the other hand, does just the opposite. It strains the marital relationship.


Husbands and wives who preserve romance by giving themselves to each other find that their mates aren't difficult to influence at all. To them, marriage is the wonderful, delightful, energizing relationship God intended.

Pure Passion: A Biblical Perspective on Love, Sex, and Romance in Marriage

Conflict and Communication

Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship
Researchers have found that the way two people communicate mirrors the state of their relationship. Positive, encouraging communication indicates a good relationship, and excessive criticism indicates a poor relationship. Depending on the circumstances, the two little words "I'm sorry" can be as effective as "I love you"—and perhaps more so.


Some marriage counselors claim couples should learn to fight fairly and not worry about the number of arguments. "Get it off your chest and get it all out in the open," they advise.


Although candor can be healthy, fighting and arguing over every disagreement has proven to not be so wise. A study of 691 couples indicated that the more partners argue, regardless of their style of quarreling, the more likely they will eventually divorce (Richard Morin, "What's Fair in Love and Fights?" Washington Post Weekly, June 7, 1993, p. 37). Conflicts lower respect and can build resentment. An argument can turn into the catalyst for a divorce.


How much conflict can a relationship stand? One researcher's method of measurement, which claims 90 percent accuracy in predicting which marriages will last and which will fail, is based on the percentage of positive comments versus negative comments between spouses.


Among newlyweds, researchers found that spouses who ended up staying together made five or fewer critical comments out of each 100 comments about each other. Newlyweds who later divorced had made 10 or more critical comments out of each 100 (Joanni Schrof, "A Lens on Matrimony," U.S. News and World Report, Feb. 21, 1994, pp. 66-69).


Since all men and women, even in happily married couples, sometimes have differences of opinion, learning how to peacefully resolve differences is an important part of maintaining respect. Here are a few principles couples should follow:


Speak up. Take turns expressing your beliefs and concerns in a kind way, without raising your voices (Proverbs 15:1). Refusing to talk about difficulties does not resolve problems. Learn to express your opinions in a nonjudgmental way. Your spouse is not always a very good mind reader. Let him or her know what you think, feel and like. Use "I" statements —such as "I feel like you don't appreciate me when you do that"—rather than accusative "You always . . ." or "You never . . ." statements.


Listen carefully. When your spouse is speaking, concentrate on what he or she is saying. Many husbands and wives don't listen respectfully to each other, butting into the conversation before the other is finished or planning their response without really paying attention to what is being said.


To help our spouses realize that we have truly heard them, some counselors recommend that we verbally acknowledge what he or she said before we move on to another thought. This assures your partner that he or she was heard, fostering trust and respect.


Respect differences in your husband or wife. Since God created human beings with a broad range of personalities, we need to appreciate those different perspectives. Even the steps we take to fulfill God's instructions can vary from person to person. We see this principle in Peter's instruction to husbands to dwell with their wives "with understanding" (1 Peter 3:7).


Seek a win-win solution. Whenever possible, look for solutions to problems that are acceptable to both parties (Philippians 2:4). If possible, have two winners rather than a winner and loser. We must at times be willing to yield as long as a choice or action isn't in conflict with God's instruction (Matthew 5:9; 1 Corinthians 6:7).

Paul beautifully explained this principle: "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:4-5).

Forgive. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive so that God and your spouse will be inclined to forgive you (Matthew 6:15; Luke 6:37). Put your best foot forward. Action often follows thought. Approach your marriage partner in a spirit of love and forgiveness and ask God to restore you to a right attitude (see Psalm 51:10). Instead of letting your negative emotions rule you, determine to treat your husband or wife with respect. Often your emotions will change to match your actions.

Seek help. If you have applied everything you know to do and are still struggling, look for competent professional help. Both you and your spouse may be making mistakes. Healthy, mature people are not afraid to seek help when they need it (Proverbs 4:7; 11:14).

We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee)

Respect: Key to a Successful Marriage

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
Besides detailing for husbands how they should love their wives (Ephesians 5:25-33), Paul gives specific instructions to wives: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (verses 22-24).


This passage teaches us that a wife's willing acknowledgment of her husband's leadership role is a vital ingredient in godly marriages. This doesn't mean the husband must make every decision.


Many couples successfully divide household responsibilities, working together according to their respective strengths and interests. In a loving marriage, both partners should discuss major decisions and priorities. Then, according to the biblical model, if the husband chooses to make the final judgment, all family members should honor it unless it forces them to disobey God (see Acts 5:29).


Of course, there are often times when a husband should wisely defer to the preferences of his wife and children. Just because he has the right to make family decisions does not mean it is always best that he does. Many decisions are a matter of preference, and preference is an individual matter. A loving husband and father should be sensitive to the desires and preferences of every family member as long as they don't violate godly standards.


No husband can successfully be the head of his household unless his wife cooperatively respects the leadership position God has given him. Without her conscious decision to obey God's instruction, she will usurp his leadership role in the family and invite strife. Paul urges wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Attitude—of husbands and wives—is the key to making the biblical model of marriage a joyful, fulfilling experience.


Like love, respect also implies making a choice. We can choose to respect people for their positive qualities or despise them for the traits we dislike. The best time for critical evaluation is before marriage. Afterwards husbands and wives need to focus on mutual respect. Deal kindly with imperfections and abundantly praise good qualities. Benjamin Franklin wisely and humorously put it this way: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."

The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

What is love in Marriage?

Real Love in Marriage: The Truth About Finding Genuine Happiness Now and Forever

To love and be loved is one of the most exhilarating experiences any of us can enjoy. Writers and poets, ancient and modern, speak of the power and emotion of romantic love. Yet the Bible reveals that love, in its broadest sense, is a choice. Love is something we choose to do.

God tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 28; Colossians 3:19)—and not just if they feel like it. Lacking a foundational understanding, many couples have tragically assumed they have no control over their feelings. Concluding that love just magically appears or disappears, too many have suffered and even dissolved relationships over difficulties that could have been resolved.


In a beautiful explanation of the love God expects of us, the apostle Paul describes the nature and qualities of genuine love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).


Love is much more than a vague emotion or physical attraction, something we "fall" into or out of. Falling is an accident, something we have little control over. Genuine love as described in the Bible is very different.


Practicing real love requires conscious choice and determination. Genuine love resolves to show kindness and patience in the face of suffering. It does not return evil for evil (Romans 12:17; 1 Thessalonians 5:15). People who exemplify this kind of love follow the example of God Himself, who "is kind to the unthankful and evil" (Luke 6:35).


Leadership based on love


Full, complete love is the love God expects husbands to show their wives. It is the foundation of godly leadership. Without it husbands cannot properly fulfill the leadership God expects from them within marriage (Ephesians 5:23). When a husband demonstrates godly love, his whole family benefits. His wife and children feel secure. When they know they are honored and loved, it is much easier for them to respect him as the leader of the family.


A husband must understand that even though God has given him responsibility within the family, his position of leadership is to be used only for the good of the family. It should never be used for selfish reasons. This kind of leadership flows from the understanding that first and foremost the husband, too, is under authority—God's authority (1 Corinthians 11:3).


Because husbands historically have not lived up to God's expectations for them, some have concluded that a husband's leadership position within the family is oppressive and outdated. The real problem, however, is with husbands who neglect or reject the character traits of godliness—not with God's model for families. If we accept God's instructions, we must accept all of His teaching on marriage.

God places on a husband's shoulders immense responsibility for leading his wife and children in gentleness and love. God gives him no mandate to use his position harshly or selfishly, nor the right to neglect his family's well-being. Humility, the opposite of pride and arrogance, is essential in godly leadership.

In his poignant letter to Titus, Paul explained that God's structure for families is a fundamental biblical teaching: "But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior . . . that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed" (Titus 2:1-5).

God set husbands in a leadership role in the family, but He expects men and women alike to practice biblical love and respect (Ephesians 5:21).

Concept of Marriage in the 21st Century

New concept entering a society challenge and often displace old ones. In marriage as well, new concepts challenge the old. Today, we are embarking on a new philosophy of marriage that was stipulated by God from the beginning, which must be employed and accurately express in this season of reformation.

The time for self-indulgence and unconscious marriage is over. Now, is a new season, a time of global change that God is placing a great demand on us to inculcate into our souls the present reality concerning marriage, as well as portraying the lifestyle of His kingdom on earth. The Bible says, “---- in your patience possess your soul” Luk. 21: 19. The kingdom principle and norms must be incarnated in our souls and outflesh through us as husband and wife. Failure to decode current truth will lead to unfaithfulness, heartbreak and divorce.

A Misconception


The inability to advance robust culture and intellectual justifications of marriage has led to various efforts to enhance marriage on other ground. These efforts are important and should be celebrated but without deeper justification that is accepted by the scripture, they will have limited success in strengthening marriage.


For instance, we have learned much about what constitutes good marital communication, romance and intimacy. But this knowledge does not itself constitute a reason for marriage. It simply increases chances for achieving a good one for those already in the system. More recently, we have gained strong evidence that marriage is good for one’s mental and physical health, sex life, and bank account. This too enhances marriage, but it does not define what it is.


The emerging marriage movement and several books on the topic has new confidence that marriage is both good and achievable, but most of them have not confronted the truth that neither of these insights constitutes a definition of what marriage is.

Defining Marriage


Marriage is defined as the revelation of the spiritual covenant between Christ and the church manifesting in the physical realm through the union of a man and woman. This union begins with the joyful affirmation that it is Gods idea, not men. It symbolizes the mystical union betwixt Christ and His Church, which is the consummation of all things. It is intended to be that reciprocal communication of self-giving love, which finds its natural expression in sexual union. In these ways God has shaped, endorsed and ennobled marriage.


In John Stott’s word, “Marriage is an exclusive heterosexual covenant between one man and one woman, ordained and sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consented in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally crowned by the gift of children”.


With this definition, we shall proceed and look at the diver’s dimension of marriage, how it relates to us and how we can shift towards the ultimate.

The five Dimensions of Marriage

The many justifications for marriage advanced through the ages can be organized along a continuum between its communal, divine and personal dimension. The march of history unceasingly has subordinated the communal and elevated the personal. The idea of marriage as a divine institution has lost favor. Increasingly, marriages are viewed as an essentially private intersubjective agreement only incidentally sanctioned by state or church, if at all.


In what follows, I will argue that marriage historically has consisted of five dimensions, all of which are essential for an adequate understanding of it as both an institution and a living human reality.


Marriage has been understood as consisting of natural, contractual, social, communicative, and divine. The meaning of each of these five dimensions has varied over time. Which dimension was viewed as central and which as more peripheral also has shifted from period to period. It is difficult to ignore any one of these five elements without doing violence to the meaning of marriage.

1. Marriage as Natural Inclinations


First, to say that marriage has been perceived as a natural inclination means it has been viewed as giving form to persistent yet sometimes conflicting natural inclinations and needs.


Marriage is not a direct product of our instincts and needs, but it does organize a wide range of our natural human tendencies, elevating some and de-emphasizing others. A spectrum of natural inclinations are ordered by marriage, the desire of sexual union; the desire that Aristotle believed humans share with the animals” to leave behind them a copy of themselves”; and, following Aristotle again, “the need to supply humans with their every day want”. These perspectives on the natural purpose of marriage from Greek philosophy were absorbed into Christian commentary on Genesis I and 11. It tells human to “ be fruitful and multiply’ Gen.2v 18. It also teaches that humans were made for companionship: “ therefore a man leave his father and his mother and cleave into his wife, and they become one flesh.” Gen. 2v 24.


2. Marriage As Contract


Second, because of the great natural goods, {affective sexual, procreative, and economic} involved in marriage, it has been seen for centuries in many cultures as requiring the regulation of contracts. In ancient societies, the contracts were viewed as primarily between the families or clans of the husband and wife, with little if any reinforcements from king or prince. They involved agreement about such thing as dowry and bride price, both generally seen as kinds of endowments for the wife. When tribe and clan are the chief authorities in a society, redress for broken contracts takes the form of unmediated negotiation or revenge.


In medieval Europe, marital contracts were activated by the free consent of husband and wife; they required no witness by family, church or state. These privately established contracts elevated the role of mutual consent between husband and wife and weakened the power of extended family. They also gave rise to the phenomenon of “Clandestine marriage”, which were either fraudulent or disputed.


Marital contracts because fully public only in the Protestant reformation when marriage become defined as fist a social institution requiring registration and legitimization by the state, and only later needing the blessing and confirmation of the church.


The mutual consent of the couple, the confirmation by family and friends, the registration before the state, and the blessing of the church were viewed as an orchestrated whole, all of which were deemed important for the establishment of a valid and lasting marital contract. All of these witnesses and legitimating voices turned the marriage contract virtually into a covenant.


The establishment of marriage as a public contract in the countries influenced by the theological and legal scholars of the Reformation gradually brought ton an end the practices and confusions of clandestine marriage.

3. Marriage as a Social Good

Third, marriage has been seen as a social good. The health of marriage and family, especially in its child rearing capacities, often has been seen as essential for the good of the larger society. Without marriage and strong families, children would grow up violent and the wider social fabric would be damaged. Affection between children and invested natural parents inhibits the violent impulses of both adult and child. These restraining functions would decline with the weakening of families consisting of stable and committed parents.


Marriage, Martin Luther taught, was not a sacrament of salvation but an institution given by God at the foundation of creation for the good of couples, children, society, state, schools, and common social life.


The belief that marriage is a social good and therefore a legitimate concern of the state lies behind the 1998 green paper on family and marriage issued by the Labor Government in England, the interest in marriage education in Australia, and the moves into marriage preparation in Florida, Louisiana, and Arizona. The mass of legal codes governing marriage and family in the 50 states is also a sign of the long - standing belief that marriage deals with profound goods that be monitored and ordered for the public good.


4. Marriage as Communicative Reality


There is a growing belief that marriage is a communicative reality between equals, but this idea has a history. The idea that marriage is for mutual comfort and assistance runs throughout the history of its various discourses.


The canon law view of contract assumed the personhood and autonomy of the consenting husband and wife. In early Christianity the command of love your neighbor as yourself, what I have called a love ethnic of equal regard, is taken directly into the inner dynamics of the husband and wife relationship; the famous marriage passages of Ephesians tells us that husband should love their wives as they do their own bodies.” Eph. 54 v 29.


Aristotle saw marriage as a kind of friendship, although one in which the male had the higher honor. Stoics such as Musonius Ruffus took additional steps toward viewing marriage as a union of equals. Early Christians went further still. Judaism and Christianity all depended on the Genesis accounts of creation that portrayed both male and female as made in the image of God, Gen. 1 v 27. But the most part, it is not until the mid-twentieth century that the social conditions necessary for the realization of this long history of the idea of marital mutuality began to fall in place.

5. Marriage as Divine Institution


Although marriage has been seen, as organizing natural yet conflicting desires, as requiring contracts, and as serving the public good, it also has been seen as a profoundly divine reality. Because of the dominance in the west of the religious view of marriage, this often blinds both the faithful and their detractors to its natural, contractual, and social dimensions. Nonetheless, it is true that the first two chapters of Genesis have been foundational for views of marriage in the Christianity as well as the culture and law in the societies that they have influenced. These texts establish marriage as an “order of Creation” that expresses the will of God for all humanity. This order is preserved and enhanced through covenant promises between God and humans and between God and husband, wife, their families, and the wider community.


The analogy between Gods faithfulness to Israel and Hosea’s faithfulness to his wife Gomer has provided an archetypal pattern for marital commitment wherever Judaism and Christianity have spread. It has elevated marriage to the status of recapitulating the dynamics of the divine life within the marital relation itself.


As an order of creation, marriage conceived as convenient was not itself viewed as a source of salvation, especially for reformation Protestantism. On the other hand, marriage conceived as a sacrament in medieval Roman Catholicism was viewed as a source of super natural grace and a vehicle for salvation. Both covenant and sacramental views drape marriage with a royal robe of divine seriousness and approval. Furthermore, they do not necessarily exclude each other or push aside the natural, contractual, or social views of marriage.


The Use Of Marriage As A Public Institution


Marriage as a public institution, sanctioned by law, in service to the common good, and blessed by the Church, must protect its private, personal, and intersubjective dimensions. Furthermore, we must never forget its procreative, sexuality, companionship and educational functions. Not all persons will use marriage to balance the values of personal love, having and the educating children, and the increase of the social good. But the cultural, legal, and Scriptural definitions of marriage must retain procreation, companionship, and sexuality as one of its central core values.


Through it is beyond the capacity of law or society to monitor all the ways people might use marriage. But its explicit cultural and divine responsibilities and entitlement must continue to honor all for its historic dimensions, including the task of bonding parents to their children and to each other.


We have come to a time when marriage may be divided between the permanent and the temporary is testimony against us, against our ignorance of the true meaning of marriage, love and responsibility is at its highest level in the reign of children, which provides order for society. Socially and personally, the higher and more loyal the levels of that conduct, the greater is man’s achievement in his striving upward. In the New Testament, marriage is clearly an analogy of Gods relationship with man and specifically with the child. Each broken marriage is broken analogy. The collapse of marriage ideas is to the degree of the collapse, a reactionary move in society, better marriage, like better government.

Most of us do not need to have social scientists telling us what we ourselves have seen, felt and experienced in our own families and local Church bodies. The evidence of a great falling away from God by the Church, as we have known it is everywhere. Something is wrong, terribly and overwhelmingly wrong! I suggest we now look back behind us to a period at the beginning of the Christian Church, when Christians were still swimming in the living water, long before the Church became corrupted and confused.