Conflict and Communication

Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship
Researchers have found that the way two people communicate mirrors the state of their relationship. Positive, encouraging communication indicates a good relationship, and excessive criticism indicates a poor relationship. Depending on the circumstances, the two little words "I'm sorry" can be as effective as "I love you"—and perhaps more so.


Some marriage counselors claim couples should learn to fight fairly and not worry about the number of arguments. "Get it off your chest and get it all out in the open," they advise.


Although candor can be healthy, fighting and arguing over every disagreement has proven to not be so wise. A study of 691 couples indicated that the more partners argue, regardless of their style of quarreling, the more likely they will eventually divorce (Richard Morin, "What's Fair in Love and Fights?" Washington Post Weekly, June 7, 1993, p. 37). Conflicts lower respect and can build resentment. An argument can turn into the catalyst for a divorce.


How much conflict can a relationship stand? One researcher's method of measurement, which claims 90 percent accuracy in predicting which marriages will last and which will fail, is based on the percentage of positive comments versus negative comments between spouses.


Among newlyweds, researchers found that spouses who ended up staying together made five or fewer critical comments out of each 100 comments about each other. Newlyweds who later divorced had made 10 or more critical comments out of each 100 (Joanni Schrof, "A Lens on Matrimony," U.S. News and World Report, Feb. 21, 1994, pp. 66-69).


Since all men and women, even in happily married couples, sometimes have differences of opinion, learning how to peacefully resolve differences is an important part of maintaining respect. Here are a few principles couples should follow:


Speak up. Take turns expressing your beliefs and concerns in a kind way, without raising your voices (Proverbs 15:1). Refusing to talk about difficulties does not resolve problems. Learn to express your opinions in a nonjudgmental way. Your spouse is not always a very good mind reader. Let him or her know what you think, feel and like. Use "I" statements —such as "I feel like you don't appreciate me when you do that"—rather than accusative "You always . . ." or "You never . . ." statements.


Listen carefully. When your spouse is speaking, concentrate on what he or she is saying. Many husbands and wives don't listen respectfully to each other, butting into the conversation before the other is finished or planning their response without really paying attention to what is being said.


To help our spouses realize that we have truly heard them, some counselors recommend that we verbally acknowledge what he or she said before we move on to another thought. This assures your partner that he or she was heard, fostering trust and respect.


Respect differences in your husband or wife. Since God created human beings with a broad range of personalities, we need to appreciate those different perspectives. Even the steps we take to fulfill God's instructions can vary from person to person. We see this principle in Peter's instruction to husbands to dwell with their wives "with understanding" (1 Peter 3:7).


Seek a win-win solution. Whenever possible, look for solutions to problems that are acceptable to both parties (Philippians 2:4). If possible, have two winners rather than a winner and loser. We must at times be willing to yield as long as a choice or action isn't in conflict with God's instruction (Matthew 5:9; 1 Corinthians 6:7).

Paul beautifully explained this principle: "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:4-5).

Forgive. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive so that God and your spouse will be inclined to forgive you (Matthew 6:15; Luke 6:37). Put your best foot forward. Action often follows thought. Approach your marriage partner in a spirit of love and forgiveness and ask God to restore you to a right attitude (see Psalm 51:10). Instead of letting your negative emotions rule you, determine to treat your husband or wife with respect. Often your emotions will change to match your actions.

Seek help. If you have applied everything you know to do and are still struggling, look for competent professional help. Both you and your spouse may be making mistakes. Healthy, mature people are not afraid to seek help when they need it (Proverbs 4:7; 11:14).

We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee)