To love and be loved is one of the most exhilarating experiences any of us can enjoy. Writers and poets, ancient and modern, speak of the power and emotion of romantic love. Yet the Bible reveals that love, in its broadest sense, is a choice. Love is something we choose to do.
God tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 28; Colossians 3:19)—and not just if they feel like it. Lacking a foundational understanding, many couples have tragically assumed they have no control over their feelings. Concluding that love just magically appears or disappears, too many have suffered and even dissolved relationships over difficulties that could have been resolved.
In a beautiful explanation of the love God expects of us, the apostle Paul describes the nature and qualities of genuine love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).
Love is much more than a vague emotion or physical attraction, something we "fall" into or out of. Falling is an accident, something we have little control over. Genuine love as described in the Bible is very different.
Practicing real love requires conscious choice and determination. Genuine love resolves to show kindness and patience in the face of suffering. It does not return evil for evil (Romans 12:17; 1 Thessalonians 5:15). People who exemplify this kind of love follow the example of God Himself, who "is kind to the unthankful and evil" (Luke 6:35).
Leadership based on love
Full, complete love is the love God expects husbands to show their wives. It is the foundation of godly leadership. Without it husbands cannot properly fulfill the leadership God expects from them within marriage (Ephesians 5:23). When a husband demonstrates godly love, his whole family benefits. His wife and children feel secure. When they know they are honored and loved, it is much easier for them to respect him as the leader of the family.
A husband must understand that even though God has given him responsibility within the family, his position of leadership is to be used only for the good of the family. It should never be used for selfish reasons. This kind of leadership flows from the understanding that first and foremost the husband, too, is under authority—God's authority (1 Corinthians 11:3).
Because husbands historically have not lived up to God's expectations for them, some have concluded that a husband's leadership position within the family is oppressive and outdated. The real problem, however, is with husbands who neglect or reject the character traits of godliness—not with God's model for families. If we accept God's instructions, we must accept all of His teaching on marriage.
In his poignant letter to Titus, Paul explained that God's structure for families is a fundamental biblical teaching: "But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior . . . that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed" (Titus 2:1-5).
God set husbands in a leadership role in the family, but He expects men and women alike to practice biblical love and respect (Ephesians 5:21).
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