UNHAPPY IN HER MARRIAGE

She was having trouble in her marriage. Her husband was a good man and a wonderful provider. He never spoke harshly to her, and he tried to please her all the time, yet there was a problem in the marriage. He really didn't understand that there was a problem, yet she was so unhappy. They had been married for many years, and every year she became increasingly unhappy.

This wife was also unhappy in her relationship with God. She and her family were active in their church. Yet, she felt like she could never quite measure up to who God wanted her to be. She was involved in several church ministries. No matter how much she did at church, she still felt like God was disappointed with her. Could she ever please God? She was becoming more convinced that it was about impossible. She made an appointment to see a pastoral counselor on the staff of her church. She shared with the counselor how unhappy she was in her marriage. She admitted that her husband was a good man, but for some reason, she was becoming more and more unhappy.

Then, she went on to tell the counselor how she felt, that she would never be able to please God. Even though she had worked in so many ministries of the church, it never seemed to be enough to find God's favor. She had finally admitted to someone for the first time the pent-up feelings that had bothered her for so long.
The counselor had asked her several questions, but he had one more to ask. He said, "How was your relationship with your dad?" At first she thought, what does my dad has to do with my Christian faith and my marriage?

But, she didn't question the counselor. Instead, she said, "Oh, my dad was a nice man, hard-working and a good provider." Then, there was a long pause. She had a tear flowing down her face. She brushed it away and said, "You know, my dad was a good man, but we weren't very close. He was often critical of me, and I felt like I could never please him. Don't get me wrong, I respected him. I always wanted to please him, but I'm not sure that I ever did. If I did, he certainly never let me know it. He was usually a quiet man."
She looked away, looking as though she was in deep thought. Then, she said, "You know, maybe you will think this is self-pity, but I never remember him telling me that he loved me. Oh, I'm sure that he did love me, but he never told me. He just wasn't that kind of a man. He never really hugged me or told me that I did anything to please him." By this time, the tears were flowing freely, and she couldn't talk for crying.

The counselor later shared with her, "I believe we can see why you are unhappy in your marriage and feel like you can never please God our Father. Your core problem just may not be with God or your husband. It sounds like it goes back to your relationship with your dad. It may be that your dad did not give you the love and acceptance that you needed as a daughter. Many think that we receive our first ideas of what God is like through our fathers. Daughters often project ideas upon men, and especially their husbands, from what they experienced with their dad as far as love and affirmation."

She had listened intently until she asked the counselor, "But, what can I do about it now? My dad has been dead for several years. I can't go back and change the past." The counselor softly answered, "No, you can't, but God can do something about it. You can ask Him to heal the memories of your past. He's able to do that." 

The counselor read to her from the Bible, Isaiah 61:1, that God heals the broken-hearted. Then, the pastoral counselor read to her from Romans 5: 5-8, explaining how the Holy Spirit can fill our hearts with the love of God. That day, he helped her to find the healing love of God the Father.

HOME WITHOUT PEACE

Everyone is looking for peace—peace in their soul, in their home and in their nation. Peace is perhaps the greatest possession we can have. The wonderful thing is that we can own peace regardless of circumstances. We could own a mansion and all the material blessings we crave and yet not have peace. We can own nothing and yet blesses with peace.

God is peace—the originator of peace. Jesus came to guide our feet into the way of peace (Luke 1:79). He said, “Come, and I will give you rest…”, “My peace I give unto you…” But His peace and rest are not automatic. Although they are His gifts to us, He tells how to have them. Nothing happens by itself. As Henry Drummond says, “The Christian life is not casual but causal. We cannot get away from the eternal law that we reap what we sow. There is no other way.”

Zechariah 8:12 God says, "I am planting seeds of peace and prosperity among you…” God spoke these words to encourage the people when rebuilding the temple of Jerusalem. God is a seed-planter. He is not only a God of peace, but He sows the seeds of peace. We, who were created in the image of God, should also be peace seed-planters. How can we sow seeds of peace in our home and family?

Psalm 119:165 says, “GREAT PEACE have those who LOVE YOUR LAW and nothing causes them to stumble.”

Isaiah 48:18 says, “Oh, that you had heeded my commandments! Then your PEACE would have been like a river, and your RIGHTEOUSNESS like the waves of the sea.”

The secret to HAVING PEACE in the home is LOVING GOD'S WORD. We sow peace into our home when we love God's Word and impart its truth to our children. When last did you have a family devotion together? When last did you pray and worship God together? No wonder you easily get offended at the slightest act of your partner and stumble. But you said, "Pastor Jabari, I go to Church always, read my Bible and pray yet I don't have peace in this marriage."

My dear reader, it’s only when you LOVE the Word of God and PRACTICE it, then you shall have GREAT PEACE flowing like a RIVER and nothing shall cause you to STUMBLE. 

The secret to SUSTAINING PEACE in your home is LIVING IN RIGHTEOUSNESS. Psalm 85:10 says, “Righteousness and peace have kissed each other.” You can’t have peace without righteousness. They are inseparable. But righteousness is more than turning away from evil. It is doing righteous deeds. Righteousness is not stagnant. It is alive. It is revealed in your facial features as you smile at your family and speak positive things; it comes out your fingertips as you work and toil for the blessing of your family or hug and embrace your children; it shows itself as you walk to do good deeds for your family and others. We see this in Isaiah 32:17, “The WORK of righteousness shall be PEACE; and the EFFECT of righteousness QUIETNESS and ASSURANCE FOREVER.” Do you notice that righteousness is a work? And do you notice the cause and effect? The effect is quietness and assurance of peace forever! Peace that flows like a river and righteousness that flood like the waves of the sea. 

This following verse says, “And my people shall dwell in a PEACEABLE HABITATIONS, and in SURE DWELLINGS, and in QUIET RESTING PLACES.” If we want peace in our home, we must sow the seeds of righteousness. It means taking a stand against the spirit of the world entering your home. True peace rests on a foundation of righteousness (Hosea 10: 12).

Pray for peace over your family. Confess it over your husband/wife and kids. Speak it into their lives. Be a peace-bearer rather than a tension-bearer. Peace is a noun, but the Bible verbs it. It tells us to extend peace, pursue peace, love peace, make peace, establish peace, preach peace, proclaim peace, seek peace and speak peace. This is how it happens—by sowing the seeds. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” (Matthew 5:9)

Peace doesn’t just happen; we have to make it happen. Ask God to help you be a peacemaker today. I know it’s not an easy task. You have to bite your tongue. You have to practice speaking words that are affirming, encouraging, cheerful, comforting, forgiving, healing, helpful, kind, loving, positive, reconciling, respectful, strengthening, supportive, sweet, uplifting, and wholesome. You have to smile instead of a scowl. You have to think of ways to reconcile.

HEALING FOR BITTER COUPLES

Madam Rhonda had often made despairing remarks about her husband in public, even in his presence. He often was a joke to her, and she didn't mind getting a laugh at his expense. It was much more fun for her to tell something that he did or says, to get a laugh from her friends in front of him. He would give a half smile and say nothing. He had continued to resent being the subject of her jokes in front of others, but he never discussed it with her.

As his resentment built, he became bitter toward her. The marriage was emotionally and romantically dead. The bottom line was that she had no respect for him, and he was bitter toward her. They had long since been in a SILENT DIVORCE.

A husband needs the respect of his wife. Respect is an important issue with all persons, but especially with men. The male gender need for respect is a major issue in marriage. If he thinks that he has her respect, then he is motivated in the marriage. If he feels disrespect from his wife, he will eventually give up on the marriage. "Let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

A husband should discuss any issue of disrespect. It's easy for a man to bottle his emotions and pretend that she can't hurt him. If he doesn't discuss his resentment with his wife, he will eventually become bitter. When he becomes bitter, he will emotionally withdraw from the marriage. "Husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19).

As a young boy I inquisitively remember walking through our FAMILY GARDEN. I noticed a strange looking tree that had little orange fruit hanging all over it. I had never seen a tree that looked like this. My curiosity got the best of me, and I went over, plucked off a small piece of orange fruit and plopped it into my mouth. Upon tasting it, I immediately spit it out! It was the bitterest thing I had ever tasted! I ran back to the house, washed my mouth out with water and asked my mother what it was. Laughingly, she replied that I had tasted an orange persimmon. She told me that they were good to eat only after they had turned dark and were ready to fall off the tree. The bitter taste of this orange persimmon left such a lasting impression in my mind that whenever someone mentions something being bitter, I immediately think back to this experience.

Unfortunately, there are many men who are “orange persimmon” husbands, bitter fruit to their wife. The word “bitter” means to be harsh, to exasperate, to irritate and to be sour. God commands every husband to not embitter his wife by unloving, non-affectionate treatment. “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3:19

One way a husband embitters his wife is by asserting absolute authority over her. He does not lovingly lead her as Christ the church but rather exercises DICTATORIAL LEADERSHIP. Also, some men embitter their wives by giving affection only when they have a SEXUAL AGENDA in mind.

My experience has taught me that there are many reasons why husbands become bitter against their wives. As a Bible preacher, I teach women to try to live in such a manner that their husband won't have reasons to get angry, become abusing or bitter. Why make life harder than it already is?

Some women are quick to demonize their husband and bad-mouth his faults, but why is he angry? You wives need to ask yourself this question... Why my husband is upsets with me? Not only is it true that God’s Word tells wives to submit to their husbands, but a very important instruction to husbands is that they, on their part, love their wives, "and be not bitter against them" (Col. 3:19). 

In fact, Christ, Who is the Head of the husband (1 Cor. 11:3), expects the husband, as the head of the wife (Eph. 5:23), to really love his wife and never permit himself to take advantage of the fact that he has been placed in the position of headship.

It is so easy to blame the wife if things go wrong; it is so easy to forget that the wife gave up all to become your life companion – gave up even her very name, her home, and all. It is so easy to forget that the "little" courtesies, the "little" kindnesses, the "little" acts of thoughtfulness – really make up the deciding issues in a Christian wife’s life – as to whether she is to be a happy, cooperative companion or otherwise. "Be not bitter." Oh, the heartbreak, the sorrow, the despair – And the resultant disasters that so often follow when bitterness and unkindness creep in! Oh, if only the husbands had remembered and obeyed the Word of God which tells them to "Be not bitter" against that precious soul who has taken on your name – which has left all to be with you and to share life’s joys and sorrows with you!

WHEN YOUR PRAYERS ARE NOT ANSWERED

Sister Brenda came to my office for counseling and asked me, “Pastor Jabari, If God loves people and answers prayer, then why is my marriage falling apart despite all my prayers and fasting?” 

I believe there are so many spouses asking similar questions today. I do not claim to have all the answers, but I do claim to have an answer that warrants serious consideration. The Bible says, “One who turns away his ear from HEARING THE LAW, even his prayer is an abomination”, Proverbs 28:9. God cannot answer prayer when we are MURMURING and COMPLAINING about the very thing we are asking God to help us in.

This is the part that only goes in circles that many find themselves in. They pray to God asking Him to restore, heal and bless their marriage, but while they are not praying, they are complaining and murmuring to others how bad things are. Then they wonder and question why God does not help them more. God cannot bless your marriage or your spouse and answer your prayers if you are complaining and murmuring to others or in your heart.

God works with your words, don’t despite your words. Why is this true? Because complaining and murmuring about a troubled marriage is evidence that one doesn't believe that God is presently working it all out. We must remember that without faith, we cannot please and receive from God. If you really believed that God was working to change and restore your marriage, then you would talk as if He was actively doing just that.

Our words about our spouse and marriage spoken to others reveal what we believe. Murmuring and complaining reveal no faith that God is indeed actively healing, changing and restoring your marriage. God is eager to make marriage heaven on earth for everyone. Marriage is His creation. God Himself established marriage in the earth among men and women. The Marriage Institution is not broken. However, there is a war on marriage today.

The strength of our churches, society and nation is founded upon the strength of its marriages. The enemy to marriage knows well that he only has to create murmuring and complaining, which give birth to bitterness and cut off God’s power to create heaven on earth in our marriages.

Murmuring and complaining is the direct opposite of faith. It is simply impossible to have faith in God for your marriage and yet still complain and murmur in your thoughts and heart about your marriage or spouse. Learning to bless what you want to be a blessing is a key to release the power of answered prayer. Learning to forgive those who you desire to love you more tenderly is the only way for God to work in that person’s life. Learning to cast all your care upon the Lord as you bless and curse not is the open door to the power of prayer. God cannot bless what you are not blessing! Listen to what Isaiah says: “Whoever PRONOUNCES A BLESSING in the earth will do so in the name of the FAITHFUL GOD; whoever makes an oath in the earth will do so in the name of the faithful God. For PAST PROBLEMS WILL BE FORGOTTEN; I will no longer think about them”. Isaiah 65: 16

Also in Psalms 109: 17, the Bible says “As he LOVED CURSING, so let it come to him: as he DELIGHTED NOT IN BLESSING, so let it be far from him.” If you believe God is faithful to fulfill all His promises, then practice the culture of blessing your marriage partner because past problems will be forgotten.

When you bless your partner, Heaven responds to your need. The warning God gave us is to “Let all BITTERNESS, and wrath, and ANGER, and clamour, and EVIL SPEAKING, be put away from you, with all malice” Ephesians 4:31 (KJV)

I would like us to pray that God would heal and remove the bitterness in our hearts and turn our BITTER MARRIAGE into a BETTER MARRIAGE. Stop reading right now and start to bless your spouse. I hope these thoughts will help you to let bitterness go and enable you to embrace the sweetness that your marriage offers.