THE ESSENTIALS OF FLEXIBILITY IN RELATIONSHIP

1 Corinthians 9:22 “To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some”.

Let’s begin by defining what flexibility is. The word “Flexibility” means “the ability to move naturally, change directions easily, and compromise when appropriate – is a wonderful quality”. Think what would happen if an airplane pilot refused to be flexible and change altitude or direction when advised of a dangerous weather system. Or think about what could happen if car drivers refused to let other people merge into their lanes. Or ponder what would happen if no one ever compromised.

It requires flexibility (and grace) to stop or alter a certain course of action, to allow others to merge in front of you, to see a situation from another’s perspective. Flexibility may be defined as “capable of being bent, usually without breaking; adaptable, willing to yield; pliable…. Pliant stresses an inherent quality or tendency to bend that does not require force or pressure from the outside” So true flexibility isn’t forced upon us (though sometimes we learn to be flexible the hard way). Flexibility is a natural quality that comes from within, from our true God-given nature.

It makes much more sense to be flexible – to “bend” rather than “break.” All we need to do is look at which trees survive storms – the ones that bend. And yet, sometimes we feel so compelled to hold onto our own way of thinking or acting; we are so convinced that our way is the right way; and we refuse to compromise at all. In such moments, we find ourselves at the point of breaking.

As earlier discussed, flexibility means “the quality of bending easily without breaking; the ability of a joint or series of joints to move through an unrestricted, pain free range of motion”.

Have you observed water?

It has no shape or form! It fits easily into whatever container you put it into.

Your relationship should also have the quality of water. Very flexible and adjustable.

Have you also watched the flow of water in a river? The water turns towards the curve, straightens when the course is straight, bubbles over the rock and flows according to the course of the river. A delight to watch!

Sure, we must be flexible like water in order for us to enjoy a peaceful relationship. And this is why the Bible compare peace with the flowing of water.

Your relationship with your spouse should also be like water in the river! Very pliable and easy flowing!

But if you are not flexible, it means you are inflexible like an iron.

Can iron have the flexibility of water?

Can it flow fluidly?

Can it fit into a container?

It cannot!

Why is it so?

The rigidity of iron makes it impossible to be pliable and flexible.

Most modern marriage relationships are as rigid and hard as iron. Not worth any happiness.

When you always one things to be done your ways in a relationship and you never value the ideas or plans of your partner, it means you are inflexible, domineering and rigid.

Being flexible and adjustable in relationship or married life is an aspect mostly ignored by modern couples. You are ready to fight rather than adjust. This is the topmost reason why you don’t enjoy your married life or relationship. You blame your spouse for your unhappiness and he\she blames you.

Why does this happen in most marriages?

It is because you are not adjustable and flexible in your relationship.

- You are rigid in your attitude towards your spouse.

- You want things done your way.

- Your spouse wants it done his\her way.

- Neither is ready to give in.

The result is bitter arguments and ugly quarrels between you.

When you are too focused on your own wishful thinking, your mind becomes rigid and unyielding in your interaction with your spouse. This rigidity in your married life makes you feel jailed and caged. You gasp for some freedom and liberty.

Would you describe yourself as a flexible person?  Flexibility in marriage means being open to each other’s plans and ideas, and being willing to go beyond the comfort zone where necessary. It also means getting over the idea that your desires are the most important consideration in the relationship and responding to the needs and desires of the other party.

However, being flexible doesn’t mean being weak or passive in order to avoid relationship problems. It is possible to be firm in your beliefs and flexible at the same time. You just have to remain open to new ideas and changes down the road.

Many of us have a hard time being flexible especially in the face of relationship problems. What we fail to realize is that our lack of flexibility often makes the situation worse. If you are going through a difficult time in your relationship or marriage, try being more flexible. Be open to your spouse’s ideas even if they are way out of your comfort zone. At the very least, the two of you will be able to brainstorm on possible solutions.

Flexibility is a learned skill, which requires a lot of practice. Thankfully, there is no better time to practice flexibility than when you are in a loving relationship.

FLEXIBILITY IS A SKILL

For many of us, how flexible we are in a situation depends on what kind of mood we are in, how attached we are to a certain belief or idea, or what fears we may feel about letting go of that belief or idea. But how many times have you seen that being inflexible has led to even greater stress or created more conflict in your relationship? And how many times have you seen that being flexible can help bring more peace, comfort and love?

That’s why being flexible is a conscious decision, and it is a skill that you must practice repeatedly in your relationships if you want to see the benefits. Often, individuals choose the path of resistance and refusal to change, because they equate being flexible with settling or weakness. But it is actually the opposite. You can still remain steadfast in your values and beliefs, you are just choosing to be open to your partner’s feelings and wishes and willing to make significant changes for the betterment of your relationship. That’s powerful and proactive, and it’s something that your partner will undoubtedly respect and admire.

FLEXIBILITY MEANS LETTING GO

*Let go of attachments* As adults, we are used to doing things a certain way and getting the specific outcomes; we are inherently rigid.  To be flexible, you must let go and stop wanting to control every little aspect of your life. This doesn’t mean detaching yourself from the situation and not caring. It means being willing to learn new ways of doing things to achieve the same or similar results.

Our attachment to things, to ideas and to certain views can make us rigid and unrelenting. By letting go of these attachments, we are not denying our beliefs and values, we are simply giving up the mandate that we must control every aspect of them. This practice is known as “non-attachment.” Non-attachment doesn’t mean being cold and callous. It is not the same as being detached. Rather, it simply means you are not holding on, you are not grasping. When you become non-attached, expectations and emotions will no longer control your life. And you will have a new sense of clarity that allows you to see the truth that lies at the heart of the matter, which ultimately helps you be more flexible with your partner.

FORGET ABOUT “BEING RIGHT”

*Be willing to be wrong* Everyone likes to be right. We are trained from a young age to always do the right thing which is why most of us are obsessed with how things are supposed to be. If you are willing to be wrong every once in a while, it reduces the pressure and enables you to approach life with a lot more flexibility. You are more likely to try new, creative and innovative things if you are not constantly worried about making a mistake.

When we are right, we feel good about ourselves. We feel validated and we feel that we have sound judgment. Granted, those are all positive things. But what do we get out of being right when we are in a relationship?

The need to be right leads to the need to win an argument. And the need to win an argument means your partner has to lose. And if you really care about your partner, why would you want them to lose?

When you let go of your need to be right, you open yourself up to a generative and exciting environment where both you and your partner can learn and grow together. This also creates a safe space in the relationship where both you and your partner can trust the other to engage in compassionate listening and effective communication techniques.

IN CONCLUSION

How can we know when to be flexible and when to be inflexible? It all has to do with what God is telling us, with our ability to listen and obey God’s guidance. Usually, we can follow this simple guideline: if it’s an issue regarding people, be flexible; if it’s an issue regarding principle, stand firm.

Here are some questions that can help us be flexible:

- Is this course of action from God? Or, is it just something I really want to do and am not really certain it’s God-sanctioned?

- Am I fighting against God or for God if I think or act a certain way?

- What will happen if I yield up my own plans or ideas?

And, perhaps more poignantly:

- What will happen if I refuse to be flexible – refuse to yield, to give up my own view of the situation, my own way of doing things, my own plans and follow God’s lead?

- If nothing else changes (for I can’t change others or alter outside circumstances), and if I don’t change my course of thought and action, what will the consequences be?

Answering these questions honestly and humbly should give us the desire and impetus to express flexibility. Jesus’ life shows us the value and power of flexibility. When we bend, we don’t break.

As we think more about Jesus’ flexibility, we realize that even when Jesus stood firm with principle, he still bent – but he bent to God’s will. Because he bent to God’s will, he was not broken. Rather, he rose. When we bend to God’s will, we find that we are able to stand strong and rise above situations that may seem to us like a cross. We, too, can claim our own resurrection.